Careless whispers

You know that George Michael song that made a recent comeback with the Seether cover "Careless Whisper"

It says something about how I will never dance again the way I danced with you.

Truer words have never been spoken.  So recently I had a relationship with the girl I said I was falling for and I really was falling for her.  From the things I quoted among that dozens of others I assumed that she was falling for me too.  Especially when she told me directly that she loved me or how I sat on her bed and she looked me dead in the eye and she told me she was falling for me.

Well I said before that I prayed to keep her every night, God didnt answer that prayer today so I just hope that he keeps her safe healthy and happy.

So since she reads this blog this will be my last post.  I am not suicidal just heart broken and I dont want to write where she can read anymore.  Plus it will take a lot for me to heal from this.

What she doesn't know is that I made a pact before I decided to let her in that day she came to me at my work crying because she said she wanted to be with me.  I told myself silently that if I did this if I made that commitment to her that I would do what I never did before.  Since she was what I believed so raw emotional, honest, passionate and caring that I wouldn't be the cold emotionless self centered boyfriend. I would lay all my chips on the line, but if I failed I knew it was a sign.

You see before I met her I have always felt that I was meant to walk alone.  Relationships come easy for me initially it is always difficult for me to find reasons to stay, easy to find reasons to leave.  Daily it is a struggle for me even with her it was a struggle.  I wanted to run so many times.  Thought about literally running out the door sometimes.  Nonetheless I am a religious man and I feel like God meant me to be alone.  I never really feel lonely.  I bounce back quick from break ups.  Hell most of the time I am not even emotionally invested so it doesn't even matter.

I burned bridges for her, made tough choices that I didn't want to for her.  Left my friend in need because she made it seem like she needed me more.

I was so stupid.  You can't fight who you are, what you are or what you are supposed to do with yourself.  Love doesn't conquer all.  I even was celebate and resistant because I respected her morals.  When she made a move I stopped her because she wanted to wait and not rush things and in the heat of the moment I kept my mind clear.

Do I regret laying it on the line? Hell no.  Would I do it again if the outcome was guaranteed to be the same? Hell no.

I havent been emotionally broken since 2002.  Im at my breaking point now.  My lungs still breathe, my heart still pumps blood.  I will survive I always do.

Bottom line do not take this next point as purely a bi product of a broken heart, or some emo phrase to yank the heart strings of my friends and my ex.  It really is what I said to myself.  If it didnt work out with her that would be it for me.  No more spitting in the face of what I have always felt.  I accept and embrace my solitude. I only seek to better myself intellectually, physically and spiritually from this point.  I only seek to make myself whole and fufilled alone.

I stand at the intersection and decide to cross this new divide sans my broken heart.

I WILL NOT BE DEFEATED

Take care of each other, but do not forget to take care of yourself

and to the blonde haired sparkling blue eyed girl who inspired this blog and many moments of happiness I still hope you find your happiness and you get all the good things I think you are deserved.  I harbor no ill will or malice towards you.  I just simply need a clean break

Goodbye

happy

In true Magnus fashion or Jekyll and Hyde fashion I post one angry blog and follow it with this one.  I feel that it is important to post about the good things going on in my life as well.  It is pretty much two weeks now that my girlfriend and I have been spending everyday together and I am truly happy for the first time in my life in a relationship.  She and I had gone back and forth on getting together for a couple of months before hand and we finally made the plunge and it has been the best decision I ever made.  I feel like a weight off of my heart has been lifted.  I don't feel suspicious of her actions the way I did of Kacy or any other girl I have ever dated.  With her it isn't a game it is nice.  We have the most fun doing nothing and we laugh at the most random stuff so hard that we are bent over in tears.

 

Who would've thought that I would end up like this?  Not me that is for sure, not my exes or my friends for that matter.  She has changed me a lot and I finally empathize with the song "I'm A Believer"

 

Every day I say the same prayer to God in regards to her "Thank you God for giving me her, keep her safe and healthy, and please let me keep her tomorrow too"

 

She is a reader of my blog so she will see this.  I hope I am not coming off too mushy, but I felt inspired after what she said last night to me and this morning

 

Last night's quote "I would honestly never cheat on you in any way because anyone else would be a downgrade"

 

This morning "I had an epiphany, in my longest relationship there was a time where I bought us burritos at a taco shop and took them to his house.  We ate and talked and laughed, and I remember thinking I wish we had more days like this.  With you (XM) every day I feel like I did that day with the burritos."

 

The question I put to you my readers is how could you not fall in love with someone like that.

 

The worst part is I have more fun doing nothing with her than I did going to concerts, Disneyland, vacation etc.  I would rather fight with her (and boy do we fight sometimes) than be happy with anyone else.

 

Yes like a slinky on a set of stairs I am sprung and falling fast.

 

I may have finally met my match.

 

 

 

Take care of each other

gym woes

You would think that in this tough economic crisis that we are under going right now that people might be a little more understanding of the delicate nature of people's finance.  Well not Brenda Athletic Clubs and more specifically Turlock Racquet Club.  You see a little over a year ago April of 2008 to be exact I was in the market for a new athletic club.  I was a member of the In-Shape brand and I didn't like the fact that it was always super crowded and that the staff wasn't too friendly, so I shopped around.  I had always admired the look of the Turlock Racquet Club and I thought it would be cool to belong to a gym that had a racquet ball court and tennis courts.  They also had a juice bar and heavy bag and hey I like to hit a heavy bag it was the one thing that really won me over; well that and the fact that each treadmill had its own cable TV hooked up to it as opposed to the 5 big screens at ISC.  The guy told me it would be 54 dollars a month for me and my dad which was about 16 dollars cheaper than I was paying so I was pretty much sold.  However when I went to fill out the paperwork the next day at the recruitment day at Stan State the guy told me it was only 54 dollars if I signed a 3 year contract.  I was very apprehensive of a 3 year commitment to a gym; I didn't know in 3 years whether or not I'd be in California, or if I would be disgruntled with the racquet club the way I had with In Shape.  So the first words out of my mouth before I signed the contract were "what if I want to leave the gym before my 3 years is up?"  The guy replied that all I would have to do to leave is tell them that I wanted to quit, and if they asked for a reason just tell them I was moving out of state that they didn't require any proof and that it would be a done deal"

 

Today I decided that I would leave the gym.  Honestly I might move away, it is hard to find and maintain a decent paying job as a 20 something college graduate here in California.  It is also a waste of money since I started the University of North Carolina Tar Heels basketball team medicine ball 400 workout plan.  I could use that money to take out my beautiful girlfriend a couple more times a month.  Plus with my busy schedule I do not have that much time to go to the gym.  So I called the gym to find out exactly what I would need to do to cancel my membership and I was quite shocked at what I was told.  There is only 3 ways to terminate my contract:

 

1) Provide a written note from my doctor saying that I am physically unable to use the equipment at the gym

 

2) Provide a completed change of address form that puts me outside a reasonable driving distance to any of their clubs

 

3) Pay 600 dollars.

 

Granted I am sure that if I read the fine print of the contract that was in there somewhere but I also trusted the guy and girl that signed me up to be honest with me when I asked what would happen if I wanted to cancel my contract before 3 years was up.  Had I been properly informed I would not have signed.  I crunched the numbers in the mean time.  To cancel my contract as stated before would require a 600 dollar termination fee plus paying another month of the gym because they require a 30 day notice and my 30 days would be up the day after they draw out July's payment from my bank.  Since I split the cost of the gym at 34 dollars a month for my share the total difference between leaving the gym and staying a member is less than a hundred dollars.  Plus the fact that I wouldn’t be paying 600 dollars up front means that it is way more feasible and economically sound to keep the membership even if I don't use it.  I suppose that is what they count on when they sign you up in the first place.  However I have always been a model gym member.  I don't use any of the extra stuff like free towels or the sauna or the pool or take any of the free classes.  You can guarantee that is going to change give me a towel give me a free juice, I will definitely be splashing around the pool and taking full advantage to point of almost obnoxiousness from here on.  So thanks Brenda Athletic Clubs for lying to me I appreciate the fact that I have spent over 700 dollars the last 14 months barely using your gym to be told that if I want to leave I will basically have to pay my membership fees for the remainder of my contract whether I go or not.  I could see a fee of 100-200 dollars being acceptable like a cell phone bill, but to basically charge me for 18 months of membership fees when I have 20 months left on the contract is ridiculous.  Even more ridiculous is the fact that the fee would be 600 dollars if I only had a year left.  It is bad business and as soon as my contract is up in 2011 pending I haven't gotten injured to the point of not being able to work out, or I haven’t moved away I anxiously look forward to quitting Brenda for good.

 

Until then look for me taking up equipment almost every day not really working out with my free towel drinking juice

 

Take care of each other

XM

Dating

I am writing this for your benefit.  I know you are going to read this. = D

I just want to let you know that you are awesome.

Even when we have stupid fights you are awesome.

Kissing you is amazing.

Missing you sucks.

I am missing you now this is why I am writing this.

Well maybe you are right I must be getting really attached

I really hope that the good stuff we talk about does come through

That the bad stuff we think about and sometimes say doesnt come through.

More kisses less insecurities.

I'll be your chocolate on a bad day.

You be my solar eclipse = D

Hope this makes your day brighter

Quicksand

Do you ever feel like your life is a big revolving door that you are stuck in?  Or like you are trapped on a treadmill or quicksand?

No matter what you do you don't move forward and you find yourself living the same routine day in and day out with nothing to really show for it.

Today I pull myself out of the bog.  Today is the day I stop swallowing sadness and start fighting for what I want. 

Today I start a diet/gym plan and I lose 12lbs by the first of June.

Here is the day that I take what is mine.  

Wow I complain too much

I just wrote that venomous blog about a girl and I realized I really am negative lately.  I guess everything just packs up on you, from "Brutus and Kay" to the "catch"  I just bottle most of it up and put my smile on for customer service or a dj show.  After awhile I just feel my soul being full of bile and it sets me on this angry path.  Well I think I got it all out.  

I guess I should apologize to my ex Sara.  We fight a lot.  We say the most hurtful things to each other sometimes, but in the end I realize she probably cares more about my well being than anyone else including myself (outside of family).  She has good intentions, and it is my fault that I push her away.  I guess I just dont want to hurt her more down the road, so I hurt her a little now like a flu shot.  I do care for her, and when she calls me crying I usually drop everything to try and make it stop.

Life has me mixed up.  I don't know what path to take.  I feel like every day is a new crossroad with some decision I have to make.  I have to cut people out of my life, or suffer the same back stabbings over.   I have to hurt someone I care about a little bit in order to preserve their heart.

April has been a hard month but I see the light at the end of the tunnel, while there will be a hard day for me in May, there is a lot of good things to look forward to:

My most trusted friend Todd returns home for at least a year.  It will be good to just have a guy friend that has my back.

-Wolverine comes out.  Hey I'm a nerd looking foward to seeing it

UFC 2009 Unleashed-Going to pwn this game.

?Resident Evil 5? - Maybe this will show up in the mail apparently it had some issues in customs and is supposed to be coming my way again soon.

When its cold in my heart I got the month of may oh wait I think thats when its cold outside, oh well I fixed it for my situation.

If you want to be one of things that make me happy in May 2009 well send me an @reply, follow, Direct message, or email me at Morbiusxmk@gmail.com.  Then we can chat and be all friend like and such.  I like new friends.

Also follow me on twitter

www.twitter.com/xaviermagnus

Take care of eachother

Never ceased to be amazed by people

Most of you that read this follow me on twitter and or myspace.

Some of you often want to inquire on who I am as a person.  Well if you really want to know here it goes.

Quite frankly I am a jerk; Self-absorbed, self-centered, self-loving, egotistic, narcissistic, sadistic, don't forget arrogant.

Honestly a lot of times I get involved in situations because I feel sorry for people and want to help.  I know it is sort of counter productive to what I claimed I am.  However it seems like in these times when I try to have altruistic motives I am the one that constantly gets stung.  Karma for the rest of my life's work?  Maybe.  I more see it as if you considered my personality as a reaction these stings are the causation.

Take for example the "catch"  I just met recently.  At first you think wow she seems pretty cool why would a guy ever fight with her, leave her, or just use her and not care about her?  Why would she say things like every guy I have been involved with hates me?  Well those questions all get answered real quick.  Every guy who was involved with her probably hates her because once you get past the initial meet and greet on her nicest days you get a mild winter day compared to the artic tundra that is her soul.

She tells you "I intrigue her"  "I want to know what you would do next...." (after I mentioned cuddling" "You really are amazing you know that"  "The way you know me and know what to say its like you have ESP" "I just want someone to care about me"

Don't buy that bs because a week or so later you see the real her the vengeful I just got a text from my ex boyfriend so now you get punished her.  The lash at you because you just look at your phone and text back I don't even know what to say to you.

Then she hits you with the "I never really liked you" text, followed by the "I just liked the fact that you liked me"  and of course if you are like me you might respond "well I guess both of us were just feeding your starved ego.  I just liked making you feel better."  

I hate to say it but its true, read my twitter feed I flirt a lot.  I tell people a lot of things solely for the purpose of brightening their day making them feel good.  Now I never lie, if I call someone gorgeous or gorfeous I mean it.  If I tell you I really like your new hair style or your new pic or I admire the way you write I am genuine.  I don't pay people false compliments.

Outside of twitter I often dive into whole pseudo relationships based solely on trying to make someone feel better.  Perhaps it is the way I try to balance yin and yang in my life.  Do some bad do some good.

So yea I told the catch she was pretty, she is.  I told her she was smart, (well at the time at least I thought so),  I only complemented her on certain music (most of it sucked), I never talked politics (we are polar opposites, and she is not educated in what she supports at all).

Yet some how when all the chips are laid on the table and she chews me out for 5 min and I tell her my version of things I become the hated one.  She tells me to leave her alone I comply, I continue to get text messaged.  I respond actually politely,  I get more anger and a leave me alone.  I comply again.  I get another text.  I respond and say take care.  I get more anger.  I respond say goodbye (again).  More anger and a "go away you are pathetic by texting me still"  I just close the phone and decide to ignore the rest of the text. luckily only one more comes through I ignore that completely I learned my lesson on responding.  I come online reading her blog bashing me and two other guys.  Reading these I see the similarities in situations despite our drastically different personality styles.

The common factor is her bipolar reactions to the same statement.  Tell her you thinks she cute on Monday you get a you make my day.  Friday you get Jason with a machete.

So I read your blog, I know you will read mine.  I am glad you tried to make me look bad it made my day sweetie.  Hey at least when I read mine it is factually based.  Loved how you left that part out where you called me a racist because you asked me a weird question about your mix of white herritage with other light skinned Eastern block herritage and I said "I don't know what to say to that"  I don't know how a white guy could be racist against a white girl, but who I am to decide these things.