Careless whispers

You know that George Michael song that made a recent comeback with the Seether cover "Careless Whisper"

It says something about how I will never dance again the way I danced with you.

Truer words have never been spoken.  So recently I had a relationship with the girl I said I was falling for and I really was falling for her.  From the things I quoted among that dozens of others I assumed that she was falling for me too.  Especially when she told me directly that she loved me or how I sat on her bed and she looked me dead in the eye and she told me she was falling for me.

Well I said before that I prayed to keep her every night, God didnt answer that prayer today so I just hope that he keeps her safe healthy and happy.

So since she reads this blog this will be my last post.  I am not suicidal just heart broken and I dont want to write where she can read anymore.  Plus it will take a lot for me to heal from this.

What she doesn't know is that I made a pact before I decided to let her in that day she came to me at my work crying because she said she wanted to be with me.  I told myself silently that if I did this if I made that commitment to her that I would do what I never did before.  Since she was what I believed so raw emotional, honest, passionate and caring that I wouldn't be the cold emotionless self centered boyfriend. I would lay all my chips on the line, but if I failed I knew it was a sign.

You see before I met her I have always felt that I was meant to walk alone.  Relationships come easy for me initially it is always difficult for me to find reasons to stay, easy to find reasons to leave.  Daily it is a struggle for me even with her it was a struggle.  I wanted to run so many times.  Thought about literally running out the door sometimes.  Nonetheless I am a religious man and I feel like God meant me to be alone.  I never really feel lonely.  I bounce back quick from break ups.  Hell most of the time I am not even emotionally invested so it doesn't even matter.

I burned bridges for her, made tough choices that I didn't want to for her.  Left my friend in need because she made it seem like she needed me more.

I was so stupid.  You can't fight who you are, what you are or what you are supposed to do with yourself.  Love doesn't conquer all.  I even was celebate and resistant because I respected her morals.  When she made a move I stopped her because she wanted to wait and not rush things and in the heat of the moment I kept my mind clear.

Do I regret laying it on the line? Hell no.  Would I do it again if the outcome was guaranteed to be the same? Hell no.

I havent been emotionally broken since 2002.  Im at my breaking point now.  My lungs still breathe, my heart still pumps blood.  I will survive I always do.

Bottom line do not take this next point as purely a bi product of a broken heart, or some emo phrase to yank the heart strings of my friends and my ex.  It really is what I said to myself.  If it didnt work out with her that would be it for me.  No more spitting in the face of what I have always felt.  I accept and embrace my solitude. I only seek to better myself intellectually, physically and spiritually from this point.  I only seek to make myself whole and fufilled alone.

I stand at the intersection and decide to cross this new divide sans my broken heart.

I WILL NOT BE DEFEATED

Take care of each other, but do not forget to take care of yourself

and to the blonde haired sparkling blue eyed girl who inspired this blog and many moments of happiness I still hope you find your happiness and you get all the good things I think you are deserved.  I harbor no ill will or malice towards you.  I just simply need a clean break

Goodbye

happy

In true Magnus fashion or Jekyll and Hyde fashion I post one angry blog and follow it with this one.  I feel that it is important to post about the good things going on in my life as well.  It is pretty much two weeks now that my girlfriend and I have been spending everyday together and I am truly happy for the first time in my life in a relationship.  She and I had gone back and forth on getting together for a couple of months before hand and we finally made the plunge and it has been the best decision I ever made.  I feel like a weight off of my heart has been lifted.  I don't feel suspicious of her actions the way I did of Kacy or any other girl I have ever dated.  With her it isn't a game it is nice.  We have the most fun doing nothing and we laugh at the most random stuff so hard that we are bent over in tears.

 

Who would've thought that I would end up like this?  Not me that is for sure, not my exes or my friends for that matter.  She has changed me a lot and I finally empathize with the song "I'm A Believer"

 

Every day I say the same prayer to God in regards to her "Thank you God for giving me her, keep her safe and healthy, and please let me keep her tomorrow too"

 

She is a reader of my blog so she will see this.  I hope I am not coming off too mushy, but I felt inspired after what she said last night to me and this morning

 

Last night's quote "I would honestly never cheat on you in any way because anyone else would be a downgrade"

 

This morning "I had an epiphany, in my longest relationship there was a time where I bought us burritos at a taco shop and took them to his house.  We ate and talked and laughed, and I remember thinking I wish we had more days like this.  With you (XM) every day I feel like I did that day with the burritos."

 

The question I put to you my readers is how could you not fall in love with someone like that.

 

The worst part is I have more fun doing nothing with her than I did going to concerts, Disneyland, vacation etc.  I would rather fight with her (and boy do we fight sometimes) than be happy with anyone else.

 

Yes like a slinky on a set of stairs I am sprung and falling fast.

 

I may have finally met my match.

 

 

 

Take care of each other

gym woes

You would think that in this tough economic crisis that we are under going right now that people might be a little more understanding of the delicate nature of people's finance.  Well not Brenda Athletic Clubs and more specifically Turlock Racquet Club.  You see a little over a year ago April of 2008 to be exact I was in the market for a new athletic club.  I was a member of the In-Shape brand and I didn't like the fact that it was always super crowded and that the staff wasn't too friendly, so I shopped around.  I had always admired the look of the Turlock Racquet Club and I thought it would be cool to belong to a gym that had a racquet ball court and tennis courts.  They also had a juice bar and heavy bag and hey I like to hit a heavy bag it was the one thing that really won me over; well that and the fact that each treadmill had its own cable TV hooked up to it as opposed to the 5 big screens at ISC.  The guy told me it would be 54 dollars a month for me and my dad which was about 16 dollars cheaper than I was paying so I was pretty much sold.  However when I went to fill out the paperwork the next day at the recruitment day at Stan State the guy told me it was only 54 dollars if I signed a 3 year contract.  I was very apprehensive of a 3 year commitment to a gym; I didn't know in 3 years whether or not I'd be in California, or if I would be disgruntled with the racquet club the way I had with In Shape.  So the first words out of my mouth before I signed the contract were "what if I want to leave the gym before my 3 years is up?"  The guy replied that all I would have to do to leave is tell them that I wanted to quit, and if they asked for a reason just tell them I was moving out of state that they didn't require any proof and that it would be a done deal"

 

Today I decided that I would leave the gym.  Honestly I might move away, it is hard to find and maintain a decent paying job as a 20 something college graduate here in California.  It is also a waste of money since I started the University of North Carolina Tar Heels basketball team medicine ball 400 workout plan.  I could use that money to take out my beautiful girlfriend a couple more times a month.  Plus with my busy schedule I do not have that much time to go to the gym.  So I called the gym to find out exactly what I would need to do to cancel my membership and I was quite shocked at what I was told.  There is only 3 ways to terminate my contract:

 

1) Provide a written note from my doctor saying that I am physically unable to use the equipment at the gym

 

2) Provide a completed change of address form that puts me outside a reasonable driving distance to any of their clubs

 

3) Pay 600 dollars.

 

Granted I am sure that if I read the fine print of the contract that was in there somewhere but I also trusted the guy and girl that signed me up to be honest with me when I asked what would happen if I wanted to cancel my contract before 3 years was up.  Had I been properly informed I would not have signed.  I crunched the numbers in the mean time.  To cancel my contract as stated before would require a 600 dollar termination fee plus paying another month of the gym because they require a 30 day notice and my 30 days would be up the day after they draw out July's payment from my bank.  Since I split the cost of the gym at 34 dollars a month for my share the total difference between leaving the gym and staying a member is less than a hundred dollars.  Plus the fact that I wouldn’t be paying 600 dollars up front means that it is way more feasible and economically sound to keep the membership even if I don't use it.  I suppose that is what they count on when they sign you up in the first place.  However I have always been a model gym member.  I don't use any of the extra stuff like free towels or the sauna or the pool or take any of the free classes.  You can guarantee that is going to change give me a towel give me a free juice, I will definitely be splashing around the pool and taking full advantage to point of almost obnoxiousness from here on.  So thanks Brenda Athletic Clubs for lying to me I appreciate the fact that I have spent over 700 dollars the last 14 months barely using your gym to be told that if I want to leave I will basically have to pay my membership fees for the remainder of my contract whether I go or not.  I could see a fee of 100-200 dollars being acceptable like a cell phone bill, but to basically charge me for 18 months of membership fees when I have 20 months left on the contract is ridiculous.  Even more ridiculous is the fact that the fee would be 600 dollars if I only had a year left.  It is bad business and as soon as my contract is up in 2011 pending I haven't gotten injured to the point of not being able to work out, or I haven’t moved away I anxiously look forward to quitting Brenda for good.

 

Until then look for me taking up equipment almost every day not really working out with my free towel drinking juice

 

Take care of each other

XM