Wow I complain too much

I just wrote that venomous blog about a girl and I realized I really am negative lately.  I guess everything just packs up on you, from "Brutus and Kay" to the "catch"  I just bottle most of it up and put my smile on for customer service or a dj show.  After awhile I just feel my soul being full of bile and it sets me on this angry path.  Well I think I got it all out.  

I guess I should apologize to my ex Sara.  We fight a lot.  We say the most hurtful things to each other sometimes, but in the end I realize she probably cares more about my well being than anyone else including myself (outside of family).  She has good intentions, and it is my fault that I push her away.  I guess I just dont want to hurt her more down the road, so I hurt her a little now like a flu shot.  I do care for her, and when she calls me crying I usually drop everything to try and make it stop.

Life has me mixed up.  I don't know what path to take.  I feel like every day is a new crossroad with some decision I have to make.  I have to cut people out of my life, or suffer the same back stabbings over.   I have to hurt someone I care about a little bit in order to preserve their heart.

April has been a hard month but I see the light at the end of the tunnel, while there will be a hard day for me in May, there is a lot of good things to look forward to:

My most trusted friend Todd returns home for at least a year.  It will be good to just have a guy friend that has my back.

-Wolverine comes out.  Hey I'm a nerd looking foward to seeing it

UFC 2009 Unleashed-Going to pwn this game.

?Resident Evil 5? - Maybe this will show up in the mail apparently it had some issues in customs and is supposed to be coming my way again soon.

When its cold in my heart I got the month of may oh wait I think thats when its cold outside, oh well I fixed it for my situation.

If you want to be one of things that make me happy in May 2009 well send me an @reply, follow, Direct message, or email me at Morbiusxmk@gmail.com.  Then we can chat and be all friend like and such.  I like new friends.

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Take care of eachother

Never ceased to be amazed by people

Most of you that read this follow me on twitter and or myspace.

Some of you often want to inquire on who I am as a person.  Well if you really want to know here it goes.

Quite frankly I am a jerk; Self-absorbed, self-centered, self-loving, egotistic, narcissistic, sadistic, don't forget arrogant.

Honestly a lot of times I get involved in situations because I feel sorry for people and want to help.  I know it is sort of counter productive to what I claimed I am.  However it seems like in these times when I try to have altruistic motives I am the one that constantly gets stung.  Karma for the rest of my life's work?  Maybe.  I more see it as if you considered my personality as a reaction these stings are the causation.

Take for example the "catch"  I just met recently.  At first you think wow she seems pretty cool why would a guy ever fight with her, leave her, or just use her and not care about her?  Why would she say things like every guy I have been involved with hates me?  Well those questions all get answered real quick.  Every guy who was involved with her probably hates her because once you get past the initial meet and greet on her nicest days you get a mild winter day compared to the artic tundra that is her soul.

She tells you "I intrigue her"  "I want to know what you would do next...." (after I mentioned cuddling" "You really are amazing you know that"  "The way you know me and know what to say its like you have ESP" "I just want someone to care about me"

Don't buy that bs because a week or so later you see the real her the vengeful I just got a text from my ex boyfriend so now you get punished her.  The lash at you because you just look at your phone and text back I don't even know what to say to you.

Then she hits you with the "I never really liked you" text, followed by the "I just liked the fact that you liked me"  and of course if you are like me you might respond "well I guess both of us were just feeding your starved ego.  I just liked making you feel better."  

I hate to say it but its true, read my twitter feed I flirt a lot.  I tell people a lot of things solely for the purpose of brightening their day making them feel good.  Now I never lie, if I call someone gorgeous or gorfeous I mean it.  If I tell you I really like your new hair style or your new pic or I admire the way you write I am genuine.  I don't pay people false compliments.

Outside of twitter I often dive into whole pseudo relationships based solely on trying to make someone feel better.  Perhaps it is the way I try to balance yin and yang in my life.  Do some bad do some good.

So yea I told the catch she was pretty, she is.  I told her she was smart, (well at the time at least I thought so),  I only complemented her on certain music (most of it sucked), I never talked politics (we are polar opposites, and she is not educated in what she supports at all).

Yet some how when all the chips are laid on the table and she chews me out for 5 min and I tell her my version of things I become the hated one.  She tells me to leave her alone I comply, I continue to get text messaged.  I respond actually politely,  I get more anger and a leave me alone.  I comply again.  I get another text.  I respond and say take care.  I get more anger.  I respond say goodbye (again).  More anger and a "go away you are pathetic by texting me still"  I just close the phone and decide to ignore the rest of the text. luckily only one more comes through I ignore that completely I learned my lesson on responding.  I come online reading her blog bashing me and two other guys.  Reading these I see the similarities in situations despite our drastically different personality styles.

The common factor is her bipolar reactions to the same statement.  Tell her you thinks she cute on Monday you get a you make my day.  Friday you get Jason with a machete.

So I read your blog, I know you will read mine.  I am glad you tried to make me look bad it made my day sweetie.  Hey at least when I read mine it is factually based.  Loved how you left that part out where you called me a racist because you asked me a weird question about your mix of white herritage with other light skinned Eastern block herritage and I said "I don't know what to say to that"  I don't know how a white guy could be racist against a white girl, but who I am to decide these things. 

King of the Blues

The way I have been crying about things on here lately.  Whether it is betrayals or petty squabbles or even the economy you might think I am the kin of the blues, or the king of being blue or the king of crybabies.  I know less QQ more pew pew, only my WoW peeps will get that.  Well last Friday I saw the real king of the blues BB King.  It was a cool show the tickets were a little pricey and by a little I mean a lot.  He didn't sing much or ply guitar a lot nor did he sing my favorite songs, but overall it was entertaining.  BB King comes off as a sweet humble person and his eye movement and facial expressions were so animated it is easy to see why he still packs shows at 83 years of age.

 

You see the concert felt like BB was your grandfather and you came over to spend the night with him.  Each song had a story and he loved to tell them.  At one point he was explaining how he got blues started.  I will paraphrase of course the legend himself

           

            BB drove a tractor in the World War II era and that was the position that everyone wanted, because if you weren’t on the tractor you were hoeing the fields by hand.  If you ever got off the tractor you would quickly see someone else take your place and you would find yourself working the fields by hand.  One day while he was driving the tractor he saw someone enter his two room shack where he and his wife lived.  Someone that looked like a man, Furious he drove up the row and stormed into his house to ask what man was there.  His wife told him it was your dad he came to get some snuff.  If you saw him come in you should’ve seen him come out.  BB then started to sing "I don’t want nobody in my house when I'm not around” He breaks back into the story for a bit and sings about how he thinks she is cheating on him.  The wife storms into the bedroom and starts packing furious.  BB wrapped his arms around her legs and could only get one eye to cry.  He sang some more songs about being in love and sorry.  He said that he worked at it and finally got both eyes to cry and he finished the story with another love song and said that is how he started in blues.

 

BB went on to tell more stories of growing up.  Even gave a play by play of a classy way to win a woman's heart on the first date.  He said all women are beautiful and that they could out think and out drink us men. 

 

Even when the theatres sound crew kept messing up hi microphones he would just laugh and say something like well I guess they want me to do less talking.  He played a great deal of extra time and treated his audience with the upmost respect.  I felt that in two hours I got to know the man behind the legend and he is someone that would be great day to spend the day with drinking some iced tea and strumming some guitars and shooting stories with.  The world could learn a lot from him.  Be kind, respectful, he is still working hard touring 250 dates a year at age 83.  If you ever have the opportunity do to see him and you aren’t a blues fan go see him, it is well worth the time and cultural lesson

 

God Bless you BB King

 

Take care of each other

 

As always who knows when the next post is, I just randomly feel inspired to write them.  Often at work.

 

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With so many knives in a back you are bound to hit a nerve

Women

 

It is amazing the depths another man will sink in pursuit of the love of a woman.  Well maybe not even love.  Helen of Troy had the beauty that launched a thousand Greek ships against Troy.  Marc Anthony left his best friend Julius for Cleopatra, Arthur, Lancelot and Gwenievere ring bells to anyone?

 

Sure you read that and say Xavier those are all folk lore or sensationalized stories from history, that’s true but have you ever been betrayed by a friend in pursuit of someone you were attached to?  I have

 

The person I am talking about shall remain nameless because frankly I don’t do lip service for shady folks. So my friend (I clearly use that term loosely and in blatant sarcasm) has always had a history of going after girls that were associated with me.  Whether they were high school crushes, ex girlfriends, friends, or whatever else you could think of if they had some history with me he was going to try and make himself their future.  Heck we even met this way.  He was in pursuit of a girl I had been interested in for a long time who was a huge flirt.  It is what she did, she loved the attention.  In hindsight I see why she and I never made it but nonetheless his first interaction with me was shortly after he moved here.  He told me that he wanted her and if I ever touched her he would make me regret it.  I found his idle threats funny especially since immediately after she came and sat with me to eat lunch.  We ended up getting to know one another since he lived close to one of my good friends in the same apartment complex.  We put aside our squabbles over that girl and forged a friendship.  He then spent the next few years trying to hook up with girls that I still was friends with but no longer dated, which honestly I was fine with.  I wanted to see my friend find a girl that made him happy and if he made a female friend of mine happy then so be it.  I always believe that things happen for a reason and maybe the reason they both met me was to meet each other.

 

Then came C.  C and I dated casually for a couple of months.  Dinners, movies, that sort of thing I was a young lad pure of heart in those days and still getting over being the kid that got picked last in kickball.  I was painfully shy at times and incredibly afraid of rejection.  I don't think I will ever get over the latter.  After a couple months of seeing each other I found that C had a boyfriend back at her old college, that she had dumped maybe the day before she told me.  After that things just slid downhill a couple of weeks and we went our separate ways but still stayed friends.  Through hanging out with me she met my own personal Brutus as well.  After her and I split he went on the prowl, completely ignoring his semi relationship with Kay. Kay I think mostly in retaliation made a few passes at me but I never acted on them because honestly I don’t ever really want to be with someone who has had feelings for a friend. Kay then fades out of the story and goes on to get married and have a kid. So C and Brutus end up dating and moving in with one another.  C got mad at me because I told her not to ever break my friend’s heart so Brutus and I didn’t talk for about a year.  Well 5 years later C decides she doesn’t want to be with Brutus anymore and kicks him out of her parent’s house.  So Brutus with all his free time and lack of friends (due to the fact that he only hung out with C and her friends and family) decides to hang out with me a lot more which was fine I figured we are both in our mid twenties and adults it might be fun to have more guy friends around.

 

Ironically Kay gets a divorce and wants to find me and attempt to pursue me once again.  She contacts Brutus and rekindles a friendship with him.  When Kay asks him how I am doing he launches a full verbal assault on my character (strike 1).  He tells her that I don’t bring girls around him because any girl would leave me for him.  That I dump girls for no reason (not true).  I may be brash, evil and self absorbed sometimes but I never have set out with malicious intents against anyone.  Kay then emails me and fills me in on all of this and at first I take it with a grain of salt.  Kay has always been dramatic after all.  Brutus then came clean himself and attempts to pin the blame on her after she told him she wanted to find and date me.  Kay and I begin talking and develop feelings.  However in my gut I know it wouldn’t work for whatever reason and I leave it at that.  Brutus keeps contacting Kay despite her wishes to the contrary and my asking him to leave her alone.  Brutus even asked her to hang out with him the other day which made her call me for aid.  I have another discussion with him about it and he says he will stop.  Well that night Brutus sends her an email saying "Xavier can't control who you hang out with, just like he can't control who I talk to either."  He further goes on to say that if he and her were friends or if anything else transpired between them he would keep his mouth shut and not tell me.  Who knew that while I was defending him against some girl on twitter that he would use my open back to store his daggers.

 

The worst part is when he was asked about why he did these things his answers were a string of clichés "I don't know why I did it"  "Who cares I’m done talking to her” (After the 85th time she told you know and forwarded me the emails?) "Sometimes you hurt the ones you care about the most” He tried to pull the pity card and even the threaten suicide card on me, just like he did to C when she left him.  Then I see on twitter where he is saying that losing friends is all about growing in life.  Explain to me how hurting your friend is all a part of the growing process in life?  He even had the nerve to call and ask if I was done taking my misplaced anger out on him. I almost lost it.  How is my anger misplaced if I am angry at hurtful words from a friend?  I wasn’t even angry just hurt.  Now I am furious. A back can only hold so many knives before you hit a never and congrats buddy you hit mine.

 

So I am sorry for a verbose summary of my petty betrayals in life.  I am hurting needed to get it off my chest and out of my mind. Mostly I wrote it for the people that I know that keep asking me what’s wrong. .So instead of rehashing it 100 times the next couple days they can read this.   If you don't like what I said I am sorry.  Maybe you will like something else I write.  Dang even as I write this it is so hard to just realize that someone I grew up with as a teen is out of my life for good.  I mean there is other times I didn’t write about such as when he hit on my girlfriend and I had to come between them so she wouldn’t maul him in a parking lot.  When he told a girl I was cheating on her and I wasn’t. It is a long list of transgressions they are just getting more real and vicious, and more importantly all to frequent these days.  It is a cancer a painful cancer on my heart and I had to remove it.

 

I will try to post some good stuff in the next 24 hours.

 

Take care of each other.  Love your true friends.  Don't let a possible romance tarnish something that has been a part of your life for years. Watch UFC.  Play Xbox.  Don't spoil wolverine origins for me I promised a friend I would wait to see it with them when they move back on the 10th.  BBQ, eat your veggies.   Take your vitamins.  Ok I clearly lost my mind with worldly advice again I apologize.  Hope your day is grand

 

XM

www.twitter.com/xaviermagnus

www.myspace.com/xavierknight

 

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life update

I like to keep my blog posts separate for different subjects even in the come on the same day, I also felt especially compelled to write another post due to pure negative nature of that last post.  That last post was an extreme emotional response to a lot of things I have seen building up over the last couple months.  From friends bailing on their bills so they can go on vacation, to people laughing outside of Circuit City mocking the fact that so many people were losing their jobs etc.  Despite all that and swimming in these shark infested waters trying to stay afloat I somehow manage to stay happy.  I suppose it is because of several of the new friends I have made along the last month.  By the way if you care to read this blog and I have left you hanging for over a month than I apologize. It is always my intention to post something here but I find that is hard to sit in front of your computer and be inspired and a consistent basis.  Perhaps I am not as skilled as some of the many talented people I have seen on the internets.  So without further rambling introductions let me give you a brief (yea right I am verbose) synopsis of what has been going on with me lately.

 

As I said a couple posts ago Erin from Eringames.com got me to come back to WoW as a horde and I am almost level 78 with my Blood Elf.  My guild Ashes of the Fallen are all pretty cool people that I enjoy talking to and look forward to being more active with when I hit the level cap of 80.  I don’t play much with them at the moment because I’d just be asking for their help all the time and I don't really want to do that

 

Speaking of Erin, she had a Resident Evil 5 giveaway video contest on YouTube where people had to make a video talking about Resident Evil 5 or the other Resident Evil titles.  The winner of the contest got a limited edition artwork and if they didn't have the game they also got a copy of the game.  Well I am a huge RE buff and have everything from books to a snow globe, to Resident Evil STARS and Umbrella jackets and all of the games except 1. So I showed my love for the series and well I won the contest and once my package arrives I can say once again that I own all the RE games.  So thanks again Erin for the contest and for picking me as the winner.

 

I also recently traded my psp for fallout 3.  Don't despair Sony fans I plan on getting one of the newer psps and I wasn’t happy with the scratches mine had accumulated.  I haven’t gotten that far into Fallout but it seems that the sales clerk's description of "It is just like Oblivion with guns instead of swords" is pretty accurate.  The storyline seems interesting to the say the least so far.

 

Finally in gaming related news I am really excited for the new UFC Unleashed 2009 game coming out next month.  I really look forward to the create-a-fighter mode as well as playing some of my desired fighter match ups with my friends.  Rampage v Shogun tops my list.  Lesner vs Couture rematch as well.   I will for sure be talking about that next month.  In case you didn't know I am a big fan of MMA as well.

 

Easter was yesterday and I spent it with a part of the non blood related people you call family.  That’s the best kind.  You get to pick them.  Speaking of that party the food was excellent and as a matter of fact I look forward to getting home soon and munching on the chicken that I brought home.  I am also grateful for what Easter signifies in my faith so all in all it was a good day,

 

Well thanks for stopping by and reading this.  Hope your Easter/Passover was awesome and your week is even better.

 

As always follow me on twitter @Xaviermagnus

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faith based economy

Faith Based Economy

 

You know our economy is a really amazing thing when you reflect on how it actually works.  In previous years the United States worked under a gold and silver standard which meant that the US Mint never printed more money than the worth of the gold and silver reserves.  It also meant that you or I if living in those times could exchange a 20 dollar bill for 20 dollars worth of gold.  However as years progressed and gold and silver reserves got smaller the dollar became a green back not silver back.  The dollar is worth a dollar because the government says so.  It is commonly accepted by the world that this is so.  This new form of economy is referred to as a faith based economy; because the only thing that gives currency its value is the fact that the world has faith in it.

 

I use this to illustrate the difference between what we were and what we are.  However today in 2009 during the greatest economic disaster in US history, faith based economy takes a whole different meaning.  Today people all over the United States many as we speak are praying to God for a job, or praying to keep their job.  Every time I go to the post office I pray that checks are there so I can pay bills.  We no longer are having faith in the dollar, but we have to have faith in each other and higher powers just to get through this month's bills.

 

I know people who have walked away from their home loans despite being able to afford them simply because they have lost their faith in the housing market.  Businesses in my town for over 60 years are closing their doors because people don't buy enough products. People don’t have much money and what money they get they try to hold on to because no one knows what tomorrow is going to hold.  Will housing prices drop again?  Will the Dow Jones take another dive?  Politicians talk about helping us and stimulus packages all while raising taxes.  In California, vehicle registration is going to almost double.  Sales tax went from 7.375% to 8.375% in my county and the whole state saw a 1% increase.  Tobacco products gained over a dollar per pack in taxes and income taxes have gone up as well.  People need to realize how you are going to get that stimulus check.  Is it really worth a 500 dollar stimulus if over the next 5 years you pay an extra 30 thousand dollars in taxes. 

 

President Obama also wants to raise inheritance taxes to above 50%.  You know what that means that if your dad or mom dies and leaves you a million dollars of taxable estate the government will get more than you do.  "Sorry young American about your loss, I mean our loss" says the government "here is your share of the million is this 475,000 dollar check."  Now many of you may read this and think that I am a silly republican only looking to take shots at our new president.  Quite the opposite actually I have and will always be a member of the Democratic Party, but I know when something in my gut feels wrong.  Look at my family for example.  My grandfather was in the Navy came out with nothing married my grandmother and started a generator repair business.  He worked every day of his life until he died 2006.  Now my family is forced to sell some of the properties we have accumulated and paid property tax on for years because the government said that the estate was worth an X amount of money so we have to pay an X amount of taxes.  Which equaled to 44% of taxes for us.  So we had to basically sell off half of what we as a family have built lived in and worked on all our lives to pay the government what they say the deserve because we inherited it after losing a family member.  So not only did I lose my grandfather we have to pay in cash for his hard work and service to our community.

 

The last time our economy was this bad we were only really bailed out by World War 2, and unless you want a war the solution lies with everyday folks like us.  Support your local businesses; don't skip out on the bills that you charged up just because you think you can.  I have a friend that has a lot of credit card debt and even wanted to file bankruptcy n student loans.  That is garbage no one made you charge up your card with laptops snowboards and mountain bikes.  No one made you buy a new truck when your other one was still pretty new.  No one made you not finish college in 4 years while the government gave you a grant.  Do what’s right don’t bail on the bills you created.  Take responsibility for your debts before you are the one who is responsible for killing our economy.

 

Don't think of me as an idiot, a zealot, or right wing.   I am simply scared and tired of seeing every store from Circuit City to Gottschalks to half of the local businesses and restaurants closing weekly leaving more and more people relying on a miracle and faith to feed their families.  If you don't like what I am saying or thinking you are entitled to that I don't like this either.  You can even unfollow me if you wish.  Nonetheless I hope you don't wake up in a jobless market starving and homeless,

 

Now more than ever take care of each other

 

God Bless and lots of love and prosperity

XM