You know that George Michael song that made a recent comeback with the Seether cover "Careless Whisper"
It says something about how I will never dance again the way I danced with you.
Truer words have never been spoken. So recently I had a relationship with the girl I said I was falling for and I really was falling for her. From the things I quoted among that dozens of others I assumed that she was falling for me too. Especially when she told me directly that she loved me or how I sat on her bed and she looked me dead in the eye and she told me she was falling for me.
Well I said before that I prayed to keep her every night, God didnt answer that prayer today so I just hope that he keeps her safe healthy and happy.
So since she reads this blog this will be my last post. I am not suicidal just heart broken and I dont want to write where she can read anymore. Plus it will take a lot for me to heal from this.
What she doesn't know is that I made a pact before I decided to let her in that day she came to me at my work crying because she said she wanted to be with me. I told myself silently that if I did this if I made that commitment to her that I would do what I never did before. Since she was what I believed so raw emotional, honest, passionate and caring that I wouldn't be the cold emotionless self centered boyfriend. I would lay all my chips on the line, but if I failed I knew it was a sign.
You see before I met her I have always felt that I was meant to walk alone. Relationships come easy for me initially it is always difficult for me to find reasons to stay, easy to find reasons to leave. Daily it is a struggle for me even with her it was a struggle. I wanted to run so many times. Thought about literally running out the door sometimes. Nonetheless I am a religious man and I feel like God meant me to be alone. I never really feel lonely. I bounce back quick from break ups. Hell most of the time I am not even emotionally invested so it doesn't even matter.
I burned bridges for her, made tough choices that I didn't want to for her. Left my friend in need because she made it seem like she needed me more.
I was so stupid. You can't fight who you are, what you are or what you are supposed to do with yourself. Love doesn't conquer all. I even was celebate and resistant because I respected her morals. When she made a move I stopped her because she wanted to wait and not rush things and in the heat of the moment I kept my mind clear.
Do I regret laying it on the line? Hell no. Would I do it again if the outcome was guaranteed to be the same? Hell no.
I havent been emotionally broken since 2002. Im at my breaking point now. My lungs still breathe, my heart still pumps blood. I will survive I always do.
Bottom line do not take this next point as purely a bi product of a broken heart, or some emo phrase to yank the heart strings of my friends and my ex. It really is what I said to myself. If it didnt work out with her that would be it for me. No more spitting in the face of what I have always felt. I accept and embrace my solitude. I only seek to better myself intellectually, physically and spiritually from this point. I only seek to make myself whole and fufilled alone.
I stand at the intersection and decide to cross this new divide sans my broken heart.
I WILL NOT BE DEFEATED
Take care of each other, but do not forget to take care of yourself
and to the blonde haired sparkling blue eyed girl who inspired this blog and many moments of happiness I still hope you find your happiness and you get all the good things I think you are deserved. I harbor no ill will or malice towards you. I just simply need a clean break
Goodbye
